I want to write whatever my writer brain wants to write, and this is what it wants to write about, since I’ve been dating and working so much lately. I thought it would be an interesting challenge to write down every romantic interest I’ve had throughout my life. I’m in the mood to complain. Though I’m certainly not perfect, neither is anyone else. There were good moments, but I will focus on the bad, because that’s what I want to focus on. I decide to take control and assume power over these events in my life.

I’d merely like to share my human experience while having to live on this planet, going through its crap systems that won out and all the crappy people. I’ll try to write this as if no one will read it.

I remember more now. Remember in kindergarten or first grade or whatever, a girl I liked I tried to hold hands with briefly, and another girl who was really mean to me. Not sure if that’s the girl I accidentally spilled white milk on her black furred coat when we were throating things away. She said she was mean because “I like you.” Okay.

There was a girl named Lauren who lived in the backyard who I liked and liked me back, but I never did anything because I was shy and liked another girl, Sarah, who I merely said hi to a lot, waved, hugged in 4th-6th grade. Though it wasn’t really a real relationship, I guess it felt real, and I became beyond hurt and angry when she broke up, crying in the transition between changing classes. Great start, one that would define many relationships, I guess. Get back together and break up, etc, a few times.

I don’t want to like any other girls, but I reject a girl who likes me, and I ask a girl out named Sheri or something like that even though I barely knew her. She shook her head and said she cant or something like that.

8th grade I ask a girl out named Kristen or Kirsten — I don’t really care about fact checking or remembering names or too much, because this whole topic sucks to write about. I date her thinking it would get me over another girl I liked. Instead I get to have girls and everyone make fun of me for dating her. Don’t you love people, world? Aren’t girls so kind?

I have my first kiss with her the last day of school before we leave just to get it over with. We played a game called WOW and she breaks up with me via the game, I think.

Ninth I don’t want to date, but a friend thinks I need it, so he says a girl, Hannah, likes me, she eats lunch with me, asks me out and I say yes thinking it’s a joke, and she starts following me.

With her I learn the physical side, except sex because believe it or not I didn’t want to go all the way right away. She gives me hickeys and she puts cover up over them.

Eventually we’re at the mall, we sit on a bench, she texts me that she wants to break up.

In tenth grade, a blonde girl, Leah, and I have friends with benefits. She doesn’t want to see me or is busy for the second or third hang out. I think I asked her to go to the dance, she said yes, changed her mind. Who cares about the details.

I ask the original girl I liked out, Sarah, not sure why I liked her, cant remember if it was ninth or tenth grade, she feeds me bullcrap she cant date or something. Let’s keep skipping stuff.

I had trouble talking to girls, but it gets easier because I eventually work in an area with all girls midway after 11th grade.

11th I date a blonde girl named Lauren. I go to church and read the bible and all this crap for her. We hang out a ton, do nothing major physically at all. At one point I can’t go to a dance with her and she ditches me for another guy even though we were in a relationship and I found out through my friends. Cool.

12th grade I date, ugh, what was her name, Shaina, or something like that… I don’t care. Not that I care about a lot of this. Her and I cuddle and do physical things. We’re in a relationship. She asks me to go to her school dance. I go. We take pretty pictures. At the dance she grinds with another guy, one of her friends, and he even pulls me in as if to join. I’m pissed and walk away and let her know she ruined the whole day. Even though I’m mad, we go on the couch and cuddle. I take her home or she’s picked up. We get in a fight and break up over text.

We made it to college. Woot. So exciting. Kill me now.

I date a girl named, um, what was her name… Holly. We date a few months, cuddling and kissing and stuff, and for some reason I post on Craigslist I’m looking for a girl. A girl named Chelsea finds me. We email, text, I write her a steamy story, she asks me if I want to have sex when we are together in person. I figure why not and get it over with. Have trouble for the first time because condoms suck. After that, we keep meeting and doing it a lot. I figured this is how relationships work and you have to be cruel to get what you want, similar to how girls before this were to me, so I cheated on a girl, but had the courage to tell her in person while crying. It’s a good relationship, it seems, but I’m inexperienced. She was getting over from the breakup with her ex. I find out ten months in or whatever on Twitter (after she doesn’t block me or her tweets become public, or I either find it through the guy she was Tweeting and piecing it together) that she had been cheating on me, seeing her ex out of state and so in love with him and wanting to marry him. Fortunately I was flirting with other girls (I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything with any) over halfway through. She even has a Tweet where she was in New York or something and she felt she was in love with some guy there she just met. At one point she tells me she was raped but one of her tweets make me think, make me know, she let a guy have sex with her and she felt guilty afterwards. I break up with her. Of course, girls are allowed to be shitty to me but I can’t be shitty back or first. I tell Holly I’m sorry again out of guilt and understanding, not to get back with her. She takes this time to be nasty to me about it. I don’t care. Whatever.

I think what follows here is more of a blur (mainly their names), where I start using girls physically. But even then I’m still a very caring person; it doesn’t get me far. After this, in and out of relationships (but mainly in relationships with the same girls) I’ve had sex hundreds and hundreds of times, and it’s fortunate none of them got pregnant thanks to birth control. Probably been with 30+ or 40+ different girls physically all the way.

At my college campus, making friends and getting in a relationship seemed impossible for some reason. I tried. I really, really tried. I had a best friend from like 6th or 8th till the middle of college and he slowly stopped becoming a friend. Sometimes I was depressed from these events, and I fought depression on and off since high school, if not middle school. I still take depression medication even though I saw it as a sign of weakness in 12th grade or something, and it’s not until my Junior or Senior year in college I start taking it again because I had to see the college therapist since I was so alone.

It’s not easy studying hard at school, trying to figure out what you wanna be, fighting depression, having girl problems and friend problems and lonely problems and even some family problems, and going through all that. It wasn’t easy. Oh, I forgot about while working too. How did I forget about that.

A girl at one point was being a bitch. What was her name? Oh, it doesn’t matter. I had the courage to get her number, she gave it to me, stopped talking. I text her; nothing. I text her again and she says who is this. I text her the most hard and erect dick pic as a middle finger and still don’t regret it. She cries because she never seen one before (not really) or it made her feel dirty and she was upset she had some power being exerted against her, so she tells and I do community service for it. Always living the Kevin Scrima standard where everyone and everything is extra hard on you for whatever reason — always increased scrutiny. I always got the treatment before all the exempt or special guys or special people received it. I totally forgot, girls are allowed to be nasty to guys, cheat, lie, not be friendly, and treat them like shit, but we’re not allowed to do it back. Girls can respond with nasty words and things to say but guys can’t do it back, because that’s bad. Guys respond with holding everything in, violence, sex, and are at more risk for that. But I’m so sorry, I totally forgot that girls are always supposed to have it their way and get what they want and always be right because they are the best and they are such a princess. The guy will be the scapegoat for any problems or issues and the girls are supposed to look good still. People are just bad at being a good human being — no amount of education in other areas can sometimes fix that. The original girl, Sarah, uses this event at school to make fun of me behind my back which I heard from someone. I still had feelings for her even though I did a shitty thing to her in response to her doing shitty things to me and oddly enough hoped she was having a good life and I get more shit. Thanks.

Anyway, moving on.

After the whole Chelsea thing I date Audrey. We have a good date, cuddle. We sit in class and I’m pretty sure I see her text a guy and it says babe for the contact or something, and I understand why she doesn’t want to talk or hang out anymore. Another girl named Sara tries to get me with a blonde girl who I didn’t like but I liked the other girl but she had a boyfriend like most girls at school. Liked another girl at college but don’t bother doing anything with that. Liked girls at work but it’s work and I don’t know how to express my feelings about it and I know nothing comes from it and they just instead tease me about it and don’t give me the friendship or relationship I want in return. Just teasing me. Lots and lots of teasing like girls do but not getting anything in return. A girl at work and I don’t remember her name knows I like her but she and other people just think it’s sweet, but that’s all it is, just sweet and adorable, nothing else. I’m really lonely and decide to date a 17 year old girl there but the father gets pissed about that and I can’t see her.

After interviewing a girl for a piece she invites me to cuddle and has sex. She didn’t tell me she was sick so I get major throat pain as if a cat scratched the back of my throat. Thanks. She’s kind of condescending or has weird ways of showing affection so I decide to stay away from her.

I always get into shitty situations with shitty people.

I date a bunch of girls and do a lot of girls I don’t remember the name of. Lots of blur. Lots of meaningless and meaningful sex. As I should. And more disappointments.

At work I like two girls, Sara and Cassidy, but they have boyfriends and I didn’t know. They think what I do is so sweet. Then two girls at work like me, Sarah and…can’t remember the name, because my brain has to protect itself from all these painful memories and life events somehow. I somehow start to like the Sarah girl, but I’m really depressed and lonely in college and needed someone. I kissed her during her birthday and went and had sex with the other girl right after.

You have to understand, with my experiences, it’s in my best interest to talk to and have few feelings for as many girls as possible to have the best chances. None of that, “Oh, I’m going to be so faithful to one girl and love her so so much and stuff,” like I did earlier on.

I eventually move into an apartment with Sarah. I was wanting to be independent. She said she could pay half or close to half. We get into an apartment, and she gradually becomes lazier, fatter, loses a few jobs and pays little to NO bills. She stops helping around the house and I eventually do everything. At this point I’m also in graduate school and my family tells me that she didn’t want me to be in school, because that would mean less time for her to be with me. I’m working full time, doing grad school, cleaning the house, meaning sweeping, doing dishes, taking out trash, etc. I even helped co-sign a car for her since her parents and no one else wouldn’t. She is disrespectful to even that and can’t even make payments on time to that or pay in full, so she piggy backed off my credit score and hurt it. Disrespectful like all the other girls.

My family manage to get me out of the apartment and I manage to find someone else to take it early. It was heavily draining my finances. I knew I had to keep doing better to make more money so I can live a decent life. That’s part of the motivation for grad school. I also tried writing books, inventing things to license it, make YouTube videos, freelance, etc, to make more money. Nothing gains momentum.

I saw a girl, Olivia, at another college, a religious one, Saint Francis University, who I have been Skyping and talking to. I go there, hang out with her friends, have a good time. She invites me to her dorm and her friends tell her to have fun. We kiss like she wanted. I have trouble getting her shirt off in the position she was in, and she laughs and helps take her shirt off. We do not go all the way, but we go third base. Afterward, she says weird things like, “I can’t get pregnant from being fingered, right?” I’m just like… what. Her stomach starts to hurt and she said something to the extent of God punishing her after the event of what happens next morning We fall asleep together, wake up, she has something with her grandma having to go to the hospital and I have to leave. She doesn’t text me and I tell her whatever I did wrong I’m sorry. I get a call from their campus police and they don’t ask my side of the story and just tell me to stay away from their campus or I’ll be arrested. Okay, tough guys, stupid piece of shit police, always dumbasses because they aren’t educated enough and miserable because of their job, when I literally did nothing wrong. I have to tell the Vice President (who called it sexual misconduct) or whatever my side of the story, and I made sure to email them a very detailed version of my side of the story since they had to put it in their records. I have to go to a lawyer to contact the state police. I stop hearing back from them, because they know I didn’t do anything fucking wrong. How dare they waste my time, making me worry like that and feel bad when I did nothing to them.

I continue working and going to college. Over my life for work, I worked five years in a restaurant, first as dishwasher then in salad bar. I was a writing tutor for four months but it was too much going to school and working another job. I was a student aid to replace another while she was sick. I was a cashier for 9 months. I was a report writer for five months, a soul crushing job. I was a contractor for two months evaluating ads. I was an offline captioner for over a year. I did tech support for three months, and now I continue doing tech support while I finish my graduate degree. I’ve worked very hard and have been through a lot of shit.

I’ve dated more this year than I ever have it feels like. This is not really to complain, but to share the human experience. The person reading this can’t judge me without thinking about what YOU have done your whole life, all your relationships and work and life events and things with family and school and college and dreams and whatnot.

I’m frustrated because I’ve dated so many girls and I’ve gotten nowhere. I was super depressed yesterday, and like I mentioned, fought it on and off since high school. A few recent examples of my recent dates.
I’ve traveled an hour and a half for one girl, Maria, and texted her a lot and Skyped, but she couldn’t hang out for more than a few hours and didn’t want to travel for me like I did her. She couldn’t put in the same effort.
Another, Hannah, I’ve dated plenty of times. I drove to her house. I brought over her favorite wine and candles. I’ve brought her this hot coffee chocolate when she was sick, laid with her when she was sick, cuddled her when she was sick. Her excuse was that I said love you too early and she no longer felt a connection with me or something. Oh I forgot to mention she was seeing two other guys which I knew but hoped she would change, and she rubbed in the fact after that it’s going well seeing them.
Another, Gabrielle, I drove over a half hour to take her to Kennywood Holiday Lights since she didn’t have a car, drove back after. Next day I hear nothing from her even though she had a great time.
Another, Christina, I met at a coffee shop, bought her coffee, talked and listened for her for over an hour in the cold. Went to the gym with her and walked around after, then she says she’s too busy with school and wants to be friends for now.
I had a girl, Carrie, claim she was excited to meet me and then just stops texting.
Again yet another girl who was excited to meet me and after a while made excuses not to meet.
Another girl, a different Christina, I’ve got ice cream with, took to the movies. She said she was too busy and wanted to be friends.
Another girl, Gaby, who I cared about very much, I talked to for months from California. We Skyped a lot. She gave up because of the distance and never saw each other even though I was willing to go out there for her. Her mom ripped up the pretty card I gave her, and I ended up making a pretty YouTube video about it since I recorded the card and what I wrote instead.
Another girl was supposed to meet me yesterday but she never texted back.
Another I was supposed to meet on Sunday but she postponed our hang out until Saturday. Seems like she wants to.
I thought it would be interesting to have a brief overview of one’s love life. It was challenging. Could YOU do it? Could you write everything about your life that I just wrote, as honestly as you possibly could? Would you? Why or why not?
All I ever wanted was to be loved unconditionally. Instead I’ve been treated like shit unconditionally.
Again, I know I’m not perfect (I can at least contribute my life experiences to that, but it’s easy to feel bad when you feel like the victim), but I always do try my best to be a good person, to work hard, to be a good change in the world in the midst of the bad. If anything, writing about all this makes me care about family more, because they’re always there, and they’re always loving.
What a great world this place is, its systems and its people. I know I can make a good life for myself if I just keep trying and moving forward. Maybe one day I’ll meet a decent person out there who would do all the nice things for me that I’d do for her. Maybe one day I won’t need someone. I don’t know.
At least maybe now I can stop writing about this crap. I’m my own therapist. I have my writing and video making to have a voice, to have a chance to be able to defend myself instead of being silenced.
I have me. (No, I don’t care about grammar in this post).

“Hurt” by Killigrew

If it’s silent in dismay
It won’t break this feeling down,
If I conquered this my way,
I’d devour, I’d surround,
If it hurts you just a little
Then it heals you when it’s done,
Disappointment is the anchor
Resolution is the sun