Reflecting on life — I need to write another blogpost for therapy purposes; I need to tell of my ambitions, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, those old, present, and new.
Like a lot of writers, I wrote a lot. It started in high school, hundreds of thousands of words on manuscripts, meant only for my eyes. I tried to get published, and I did receive some encouraging rejection letters from literary agents. When I wrote another book during my undergrad, same thing — that one went on Amazon and it made some money, and I gave some people some free reads. The one from high school is still up there, one I need to rewrite someday.
As an artist, I guess I’ve tried to monetize passions. I’ve tried to become a published author and failed. But hey, I wrote cool stories. I tried to create websites — kevinscrimauniverse.com and gamers-reality.com — that would “become big” and failed. But hey, I have cool websites, even one with my name; if you even tried to buy kevinscrima.com, I own that, but I simply didn’t make a website for it yet. I made an invention and tried to license it and I failed; it generated some interest, but would I really want to turn it into a business? But hey, it was a really cool product I’d use and would use again if I made more. I’ve tried freelancing and failed. But hey, I’ve helped people along the way doing that. I’ve tried becoming a big YouTuber — over 666 videos on the Scrima Games channel and probably around 40 on the Scrima Talks channel — and failed. But hey, I’ve entertained a lot of people, and along the way, I’ve improved my presentation and verbal skills. I mentioned all these things in a few brief sentences, but all of these things have taken years of time, an accumulation of knowledge, work, productivity, passion. Better to have failed hard than not have failed at all. What remains is my passion, my knowledge, my work ethic, my grit — if anything remains, it will be my work ethic, the passion, the breaking-the-boundaries, and the positive effect I had hoped to have. Work hard and smart and passionately, then I’ve done everything I could. Even though I’ve failed, those failures bring me to the path I’m on now. I still had a blast doing all those things, and I have every intention to keep on doing all those things. Once I finish my master’s program, I’ll have more time to once again focus on these passions and aim for what I want in life.
Despite having dealt many life conflicts, such as relationships and doing school and working while doing all of this, I’ve never succumbed to any drugs or anything for me to emotionally lean on. I battled depression on and off since high school, and I’m still okay. Just yesterday I was depressed; I was almost too depressed to stream a gaming video on YouTube, but I did it anyway. It turned out it was the best thing, because a bunch of people came to the stream and we all had fun and I was happy again. I beat depression that night. The thing about the depression is that because I felt a lesser caring for myself, I have focused on others even more than I usually do; an example being customer service for work, only caring about the customer and not myself.
And I should acknowledge to myself that I still achieved a lot despite going through my own battles, be them emotional, based on opportunities or gatekeepers, the own boundaries I put in place, the busy schedule, having been taken advantage of, or fighting a lack of sleep some nights. I think if I want to continue being an entrepreneur, I’ve been through nearly everything I needed to be in order to make it as one. But having been through all that is enough to convince me that I’ve earned some rest — it is okay to watch a tv show and not feel guilty (see below).
I guess I needed to mention those for some reason. I had to mention all those things I had put countless hours into. I’ve sacrificed some things to do all those; just one example is watching movie or tv shows. My brain usually can’t bare the fact that I’m laying there watching pictures on a screen move. I quickly become restless unless I become enraptured or convince myself that this is okay. I’ve worked myself harder than I ever needed to. But I’ve had plenty of fun along the way. I may not have gotten the result I wanted to then, but it doesn’t mean I can’t in the future. Sometimes I wish I had different talents or a different life path or a different location opportunity, but that’s something that cannot be controlled. What I carry with me in my brain and in my heart and what I used in the environments I’m in is how I’ve gotten to where I am.
My love life has also sucked. The girl I want to be with is in California — her and I skype and talk often, and she said she would try to move next year to be with me. I realize things can change, but it’s definitely a nice thought. I’ve been really tired of the dating apps, or the lack of connections and intimacy that come from them. Get phone numbers, but nothing came from them. Even when I got dates, I didn’t have the connection I wanted. Some apps have spam bots or fake profiles, some even have dudes, I recently learned, posing as a female profile to mess with other dudes, for whatever reason; it’s like discovering a new variable in a game that has always seemed to be played straightforward before — just shocking and weird. When one who might have posed as one catfished me, or told me to go somewhere for a girl to not show up, I’ve become more weary, and as a writer, I usually am pretty good at reading people’s writings and being able to tell a fair amount about them such as their gender (no, it does not always work, but it can usually work). I uninstalled all the dating apps, because no connections came from them; it baffles me how so many people want connection, but when it comes down to it, they usually don’t, or at least, a different connection or person they have in their minds. The analogy is this: All these plugs, but no outlets; all these usbs, but no ports. In response to crappy dating app experiences, I tried asking girls out in person. I’ve probably increased my social competence and skills a lot by doing that. I got a number and got my first fake number (“To leave a message, please enter a mailbox number”). Four others, the girls had boyfriends. Oops. Good on them that they say that, but I can’t help think that I’ve had plenty of girlfriends who, at some point, didn’t care they had a boyfriend (read: me). But learning and adjusting is important. I figured if I put HALF of the work and passion I put into my schooling, my writings, my ideas and inventions, my thoughts and my thinking, my videos and all the editing and scripting and uploading and YouTubing, then I, despite having lived a predominately introverted life, could be somewhat decent enough at it. And I’ve fortified myself that much more against rejection. It also taught me how much our routines and self-limiting beliefs define us. Every day we put boundaries against ourselves without knowing it. We eliminate 99.9% of what we can do in life just because of our routines and how our life is structured — but that 0.1% is just who we are.
I guess this blogpost is to just say that I’ve tried things, I’ve “failed”, they’ve had some positive effect and I’ve gotten some joy from them, and I’m still here, and I’ll continue on. Things didn’t turn out the way I’ve wanted them, but that doesn’t mean to stop trying.
Even though I majored in writing, I am not as much of a grammar Nazi as others who didn’t major in writing would think. Life is too short to be a little bit too serious about some writing nuances and subtleties, so I’m not really going to revise this post. After some of the stuff I’ve been through, I know it’s important to take it easy in life and be carefree.
In fact, I’m going to go do that right now. Peace.