Today I woke up and had a bunch of random thoughts, feelings, and memories racing through my head; kind of like people usually get before sleep, but this time upon waking up and being tired enough to want to go back to sleep or to just lie in bed.
I hear birds cawing outside — pretty annoying.
I was wondering if all this pursuit to better things is making me miserable or if it’s only a temporary feeling. Like Einstein once wrote (in German), ““A calm and modest life brings more happiness than the pursuit of success combined with constant restlessness.” Because I keep pursuing better things, like more money, more education, more knowledge, love or lust, staying healthy, becoming a published author, a big YouTuber, etc, it’s enough to make one crazy and restless. Of course, it’s natural to pursue these things in life — at peace. But if it’s in a frenzy or through restlessness, then it may just make one miserable.
I’ve been at peace on and off lately and trying to focus on being at peace. It seems like I’ve been happier doing nothing than when I’ve just been doing something in most cases lately, too.
For some reason, I was thinking about bad past dates, which were mainly in college. My desire to cure loneliness and naiveté on dating sites led me to a country area of a skinny blonde girl who wore a bandanna because she pulled her hair out. Another to an old home of a crippled girl who lived with her gram. Another to a messy home where there was a bed in the living room and a guy sleeping in it. In these situations of being deceived since reality was far from what their profile showed I sought to escape those uncomfortable situations quickly, which I did. I was in college but never truly felt like I belonged there socially, though I’m much more socially experienced now. I’ve been on so many dates, because I have been willing to make myself vulnerable at risk of experiencing a connection and at risk of getting hurt… I went back to the college campus a few months ago just to visit since I was out that way, and I still felt out of place.
I can’t help but think that at least, in the case where dates went well or there was a connection, I didn’t get any of those girls pregnant.
And I was thinking about how random life is and that a lot of it can’t be controlled, like where and when you’re born (and by who). Others are slightly more in your control, maybe k-12 school, and others you make the decision you think is best for you, like college. I think about how my life has been shaped by this randomness.
Thinking about my past today has made me feel like an old man at 25, even though I usually do feel young, and I definitely look it.
I’ve written unpublished novels accruing hundreds of thousands of words — so much work I did as a high schooler and college student, so much unnecessary, unrewarded work. Though I would say it has helped make me a fairly great writer when I want to be.
I’ve made hundreds of YouTube videos, many different kinds, always seeking improvement, but am wondering if it has been futile, though I have had a lot of fun and improved my skills in speech and other areas and created memories.
I wanted to write a blog post last night, but I had different priorities, like homework. This blog post, this therapy session, will soon have to end because of obligations.
Did I cover everything I’ve wanted to cover? Probably not.
And now I thought about a girl I really liked, but she lives all the way across the country; I’ve also could have got with a hot older woman, but I was too in love with the girl and that and other things were making me depressed at the time. I’ve been over the last month talking to a girl who I connect and get along with pretty well, but she does live an hour and a half away which sucks. And another who I also connect with well but makes me feel powerless since she controls the hangout times.
Now, I need to get ready to pursue again, pursue better finances because that’s what life is. Interviews. Maybe one day I’ll make a business of my own, and it’ll be genuine and not fake and trashy like some of those other businesses.
I’ve pursued so many things.
I think I’m going to try to do nothing more often, though. Doing nothing sounds nice.
I think I also think too much. I think about everything which way trying to figure out the best possible decision or path… Not thinking sounds nice. I’m going to try to think less often for now, too.