I did notice that the past few posts here have been rather… morbid. Depressing. True. But sometimes, that’s how life is. Those were real moments in my life. Some of those things I didn’t know I felt. People experience those things and don’t have to write about them or choose to not write about them or don’t want to write about them. For me, it’s a natural thing to do. To write about it.

I’ve had plenty of good moments that I’m not in a haste to share on here. Because I don’t want to write about anything. When something good happens, there really isn’t a need to write about it. When something bad happens, I do, because it’s therapeutic to get it all out there. But why share it? I guess I’d like to know it has helped someone, entertained someone, informed someone. I enjoy creating things, leaving things behind that I do exist and have existed — what a weird thing for a human mind to think about the far future like that, but it’s really not that new, with tales like the Fountain of Youth, past humans wanting to think of the long-term.

Life has felt a bit empty at times — a bit more than usual. It makes me wonder if living life is simply just passing time, trying to enjoy it. But thoroughly enjoying it and not questioning the value of the time spent or the activity is what really makes it enjoyable. I guess I’ve been craving intimacy. Someone to enjoy life with. Someone to make it less empty. What if I get it and find that it’s not what I want, and it’s still empty? Then keep looking.

I guess I’ve always been chasing things for me to notice — dreams, degrees, money, entertainment and enjoyment, girls or love. I still want those things and chase those things, but it’s not the same. Sometimes I was too busy, too exhausted, to notice. Guess I should at least appreciate that I’m not exhausted, not having to worry about too many things. Just worry about waking up, chasing those things, figuring out how to get the intimacy I crave, how to fill the empty. Thinking about life being so transient doesn’t help.

I guess writing this blog post is one of those ways and of the those things I enjoy doing. I used to find extreme passion and excitement in writing novels, making videos, chasing dreams and things. And I used to do some of those things, better my life, by locking in my mind some of the not so great things I’ve experienced in life, the hurt, the betrayal, the lack of, that I can at least control what I strive for, and focusing on the things that I didn’t have and I want, the experiences I didn’t get to have and the experiences I want to have. But I guess sometimes the fire is quenched a bit, and then it’s re-lit. On and off.

I just need all the logs and the oxygen and the heat for the fire. Once I have some of those things, the fire can burn again. I have to fill and enjoy the glass of water. I need to enjoy with what I have and with what I can do. I need to stop playing mind games with myself, being so hard on myself, letting life be hard on me. Maybe I need to play mind games with my mind games that I let play against myself. 

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