I just recently changed the theme from the website from New Gamer to Ascendant, and the website looks much nicer and cleaner. I used to really enjoy blogging, but right now, I feel like so many things are pointless. Recently, life has just felt… empty. Silent. Disconnected. Just there.
I used to enjoy sharing my feelings. Now, I’m afraid that one blog post or one thing I do will define who I am.
I’ve missed writing. Perhaps that is one of the things I’ve been missing in my life.
There are so many things to talk about that I’m not sure which one to talk about first. I could just be in a rut. For how long, I don’t know.
Life is a balancing act. Too much of one thing can tip the balance. And sometimes, too much of one thing is what makes the balance.
I’ve been on probably about ten dates over the past two months. Meeting people who I don’t share a strong connection with, or only have a portion of connection with. Meeting at a restaurant. Going to the movies. Meeting at a hotel. Meeting their place. Having been on so many dating sites, having messaged hundreds of women, having gotten so many numbers where nothing really happens besides some meaningless messages. This is the tech age of meaningless talk, meaningless messages and connection. I’ve been wanting more, something that people or maybe life cannot offer me.
I had more with a girl from California who I was in love with. We used to always message each other, talk on the phone, Skype. Those communications never felt meaningless. They felt whole. Then I stopped hearing from her.
The lack of grammar in this post probably reflects my life, my thoughts, my feelings right now — fragmented. How long will it be fragmented, though?
I can’t help think about my past love life — from when I was little till now — and wonder if it’s pointless or not, anyway. Liking a girl for so long only to be ignored and be filled with hate — being faithful means nothing if you’re ignored. We weren’t meant to fall in love so young. Asking a girl out only to be made fun of by other people and girls because of it, for it to be part of a reason for a friendship to be ruined, possibly. Her breaking up with me while we were playing a video game, if I remember correctly. A girl asked me out, and thinking it was a joke, I said yes. My first step into the physical part of relationships. Eventually, she’d bring me over to a bench in the mall, we’d sit, and she’d text me that she wants to break up. Eventually, another girl where it’s more about the physical, and a blonde, my first time dating one. She said she’d go to the school dance with me, but that never happened. Who was next? Another blonde, a Christian, who showed she couldn’t really be faithful after all; after I wasn’t able to go to the school dance, she ditched me and went with someone else, and I found out through a friend and was lied to by her. Another girl, a brunette this time, and when I go to her prom, my girlfriend was grinding with another guy after I returned from the bathroom. We both broke up over the phone while I was at a pool, maybe I was mad we didn’t get to hang out or something. I guess this didn’t count the girls that I did like and where nothing happened. A few girls who worked at a restaurant. One knew I liked her and she found it fascinating is all; later I’d say “is that how you treat someone who likes you” over social media and if I remember correctly she blocked me. Another whose dad was upset his daughter liked me, and it something that formed mainly because I was tired of being alone and feeling nothing, but having to sneak around never made it work out. That was all high school and before. Now we made it to college. After two semesters of nothing, I get in a relationship with a girl who is a bit heavier set, but she was nice regardless. I meet another girl online eventually, and we both have a physical and emotional connection. That was the first time I’ve ever cheated, but with all the things past girls have done to me then, how heartless and cold and ruthless they could be, it seemed like it didn’t matter. I had the courage to break up wit her — to her face, unlike many cowards couldn’t before me — in tears. There was a good six months, at least, in that relationship. I didn’t realize I was a rebound from a past ex. I was still inexperienced, at least, not as experienced as she was. She went to another state and cheated on me with other guys. I eventually found out through Twitter. The pain I felt was lifted. I told the blonde I cheated on sorry — not to get back with her, but because I knew how it felt. Being replaced so many times. Lots of pain. I guess what happens next is more of a blur. Periods of loneliness and getting with girls for physical pleasure. Me using them and them using me. Getting attached to one but her not wanting anything to do with me after. Using a hot tub at a conference and leaving with two beautiful girls to the astonishment of some classmates. I only had fun with one as the other had a boyfriend, mind you. Lots of sexting online. Starting to feel completely satisfied that I’m moving one girl to the next for just pleasure. Showing all the past girls that I could get plenty of girls if I really wanted to. Watching RSD videos to get tips to get with more girls, which really seemed to work. There were periods of loneliness, and there were periods of fun. At a store I worked, I liked two girls, one blonde and red head, got their numbers, but they had boyfriends. Then there were two girls who liked me, and I eventually had to choose between the two. We’re out of college now. I don’t know the choice I made was a good decision or not. But there were good periods in that relationship. There were times when things felt more obligatory. I go back to college, studying online. Got into an apartment with a girl who couldn’t pay bills. Got out of it. One girl who I had fun with, a Christian girl who was never physical before, accused me of “sexual misconduct” because she felt really guilty about it after and thought “God” was punishing her — briefly talking to a lawyer later and that was easily put to rest. I’d never take advantage of a girl like that, but I suppose they would take advantage of me. I’ve went on countless dates where I haven’t felt the connection I’ve wanted. Some dates, some flirty games, and being “catfished” once later (a girl told me to go somewhere and she never showed up “for fun”), and now we’re here, I guess. I’m sure I’m forgetting plenty — plenty of information and people — but, really, does it matter? There were already plenty of heartless things that were done to me, some things I’m sure I started doing back, lots of unrequited feelings. I’ve learned to make myself vulnerable, experiencing silence and rejection in the hopes of a connection. I was talking to a girl who I really, really liked all the time online, and now there’s been silence from her. Talking to a few potential girls where there might be a connection. Or fun. I don’t know which. But it’s something. But when the time comes, I refuse to settle. I can’t let what was done to me make me do it back. Don’t become like them. I’m better than that. Don’t be like them. The pain of love has contorted my identity and my life so many times. Becoming a workaholic, needing to provide value and gain more achievements, to always have to give something, to fill the void.
It might be time to let it all go and enjoy the silence. That story, of course, doesn’t show all the other hard work and things I’ve done during those times. I’ve worked pretty hard to get where I am. I’ve earned some life enjoyment.
Looking back, I wonder why I’ve let myself become so vulnerable just to be hurt so many times. But I’m here. I somehow survived it all. I’ve been building myself a great life. One that just felt a bit empty for the time being. Perhaps I can just have fun and enjoy some things in life, without needing that connection I’ve been looking for, without having to be such a workaholic and always striving for something. Just be. Just live.
Let it all go and just be. I’m me. I’m without. And that’s okay. Looking back, it looks better to be without, anyway. Don’t look back, and don’t edit.