Tonight, I fight the desire to stay awake and work on a few things. I thought of things for my self-help book and had to write them down. That tendency happened often when I was a hardcore writer way back. I don’t write as often creatively anymore, but I do plan on getting back to it.
The desire to write won out, even though I was lying in bed and had chewed a melatonin Olly gummy. Being excited about ideas and possibilities and just being passionate, I believe, overtook the feeling of sleep, even though I’m aware my body is tired. There was a sense of duty that I shouldn’t hold off on these things. Oddly enough, it made sleeping feel like a prison cell, so I had to get up. And now, I’m writing this post to relieve the creative and productive itch that swelled from within me.
Again, my brain wanted me to work on my business project, write more of my book, and make videos again on the channel Scrima Talks, do my graduate school homework, and more. But I know I will grow tired soon before I can dive deep into any of that.
It’s indeed refreshing and a pleasure to release these desires onto my website. It’s also pleasant to know that, years ago, I had found a tutorial to make a website and was able to create it, and it’s yet another way to take control of my destiny and make my voice heard. I do need to look into a new theme and layout for the website, just so the content is presented better than the current one.
I’m having fun in graduate school, learning about information technology and all the ways it affects business and life. Next class will be a cyber security class — it’ll be interesting to see what I will learn in that. Will I get to be a cyber superhero? Some joking aside, I am glad that I took the initiative to get my Masters, and I’m glad I’m thorougly enjoying the subject thus far.
What else, brain, can I write to appease the emotional waves of urgency and passion and desire and excitement?
Maybe there is guilt that I have a product idea and that I haven’t pushed harder to do something. The product can help people, so maybe it’s part of the guilt, that I chose to make YouTube videos instead of push for it. It’s because I’m a human van diagram, a multi-potentialite, that all these passions and interests collide.
Yes, those skills and talents and desires fight for my attention. The song “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” is very apt right now.
Maybe there’s guilt for not always having the maximum energy, focus, time, etc, to pursue all of those. In reality, it all needs to be taken one at a time. I can share, and they all can get their turn. I’m nice. I think they’re nice, too, but they all want to play when culturally and the overall conditioned belief is that it’s bed time now. Some people believe you don’t need to sleep until you’re ready to and not to force it — I believe that was in a podcast I listened to.
I’m too excited about the future and the possibilities? Sure.
It was nice to write again. It’s a pleasant and releasing activity.
I think I can sleep now.
This was an odd post to write, in a way, but it’s just thinking in a new way, and yes, I personified these talents and activities almost as living, breathing things, which made me see them in a new light.
Relax, sleep, and take these things one step at a time. Unfortunately, it’s often that my brain seems to go in overdrive at night, suddenly producing ideas and thinking over maximum capacity. It’s like something in my brain is the business owner and wanted more work and more money and compelled the business processes to go faster.
I will meditate five minutes to relax myself to some calming music, and knowing that I wrote a blog post, it’s okay that I can go gentle into the good night and no longer need to wrestle sleep as if it’s the enemy. Perhaps sleep can be like death and it has been viewed as death’s imitation. But sleep is a friend. I know this.
Perhaps my brain is telling me to wake up in more ways than one. But no, brain, I control you, you don’t control me. But how can that be said when easy habits control us?
Alas, my brain won’t shut up tonight.
I will meditate, then sleep.